I just realized I've got a bunch I never posted... not that anyone uses them, but eh. Here, let me take up space on your friends feed, you guys.

( Icons! )

MWAH. So now I have a GOAL OMG. And I'm posting it here so that it will be written down so that it will glare at me every time I go on LJ, and hopefully help me remember to exercise :P.

We calculated body fat and BMI and BMR and all that good stuff in health/conditioning today. My BMI is 32.01 which, needless to say, is obese. But! It is very close to 30, which is the cutoff between overweight/obese. So... that is my goal! To reach a BMI of 30 or less! I'd like to say "before the end of the semester," but we'll see how that goes. Four and a half weeks left, and three papers, and about a billion club activities.

So... basically, I need to lose around ten pounds. Obviously, I still have a long way to go, but I feel like this is an achievable goal, so that's what I'll be focusing on. Woot cycling classes! Go weight training! And... yay cafeteria that forces me to eat cucumbers and bananas for lunch because the rest of the food is terrible?

So... READY, STEADY, GO!

PASTA~! Hmm, I thought I'd made more of these. Blah.

( Icons! )
Icons for Monochrome Factor and Okane ga Nai. Woo.

Dammit. Foiled again. How the hell does this icons inside the cut thing work? ><

Loveless Icons

Feel free to use. Credit is appreciated. You may treat wordless icons as bases if you wish. :D

So instead of working on my victorian lit paper, I made Kuroshitsuji icons. Yay.
( icons woot! )

Feel free to gank and stuff. If you want to use one of the simpler ones as a base, go ahead. Credit and comments are nice. <3

I wish I could do something right. I wish I didn't break everything I touched. And I wish there were something, anything I could do or say to make it better.

I've become this pathetic, frightened, hurtful thing and I don't like it at all. I try so hard to make everything okay, but I end up messing up because I'm just that stupid. I'm a little kid with a priceless vase, and I smash it to pieces every time. Maybe it's too heavy or too fragile, but either way I'm too weak to hold it aloft without dropping it or scratching it.

In the end, it's all my fault. If it's precious, I'll break it without fail.

But I'm so lonely. There are moments almost every day when I feel like I'm so lonely I'm going to die. It gets really hard to breathe and I just want to be held. I just want someone, anyone, to be close to me, but I'm terrified of everyone and I'll break them in the end anyway, so why bother?

I just want a nice big hug. I want to be held tight, and maybe what I'm really looking for is a parent. There are days when I feel like I'm four years old. The world is such a scary place and I feel like it gets scarier every day. I'm inclined to believe that this is just a more severe form of the fear I had before graduating high school, but... why now? I'm only a sophomore, I have two and a half years left before I have to grow up.

This semester has been really tough. For months I've wanted to post an entry, needed to, but I haven't been able to. So many things have happened. I've tried to do a lot of things, but I think in some cases I should've accepted that there's nothing I can do; in others... other things. I don't know.

I feel so alone and it's all my fault. I'm the only person I can blame for it, so... I should either accept it or do something about it. And yet here I am, sitting alone in my room, whining about how I'm alone. I'm so silly.

YoitexMiharu icons because I am a fangirl. I should... make some more, better ones  ><.
              

EDIT: MOAR.
        

        



Aaaand a random Wolfram :D


Aaaaaand~ colorbar of fail. I was using it as a form of catharsis, I think ;P. Aaaaaand for whatever reason, there aren't many official images of these two on the intarnets. Why is that? >< When I make another one, I'll have to gank them from the episodes. ;P


Whee, yay. I am such a fangirl. :p

You Have Been Tagged. Must Be Posted as a Journal Entry.
Reveal 8 Secrets about yourself and Keep the Tag Going.


1. I'm afraid I'm fickle --;;.
2. I kind of really like someone who I can't have because he is one of my friend's alters--;; which is lame and frustrating.
3. I am afraid of tall people. Gigaphobia.
4. I am really, really lonely and want to be cuddled. *pout*
5. I kind of miss being angry.
6. I get so frustrated with being this fat that sometimes I want to take a knife and cut it out. And other times I get so bummed about it that I just want to kill myself before I get any fatter. --;; Which is really silly.
7. I really, really want to do some voice acting... sometime.
8. My mother is dying and it doesn't make me sad at all.

Tag: do it if you want to :P

A one-shot I've been working on, kind of as an exploration of an RP character. I got halfway through and was like, "WTF? This stuff is non-sequitarian like whoa." But here I go anyway. Blah. It is done, but I don't know how I feel about it... it's pretty weird and gross. Hmm. Anyway, tiredness of brain mandates bedtime. I'll explore the year of college that just ended sometime soon. ;P

Lullaby
Another Scottie Socks oneshot, of course inspired by my childhood. ;P Because I've been emo lately and I don't like it at all.

Short, but emo. Wooo.

Well, ignoring my angry mood is good. So I do a meme! Woot.

quiz/meme thing

What is your current relationship status? soltera
+ What's your name? Jessica
+ Where do you live? GA, US
+ How old're you? What's your sign? Do you follow astrology? Eighteen. Leo. No ;P
+ How tall're you? 5'3"
+ How would you define your sexuality? I'm an asexual bisexual who thinks labels are silly
+ Do you label yourself, or don't you? (androgynous/butch/femme/soft butch/mtf/ftm/undefined) quizzes label me as undefined
+ Do you have a preference, or don't you? (androgynous/butch/femme/soft butch/mtf/ftm/unimportant) I don't care ;P
+ Do you have a size preference, tell us what types of girls you like? Well, boobies are nice, and most people are taller than me... --;; but I don't care either way
+ Are you out? Apparently I vomit rainbows and fart unicorns, so I guess so
+ What's something you just absolutely love in a relationship? I wouldn't know... friendship?
+ What's a pet peeve that you just can't put up with? Inconsiderateness
+ Do you smoke? Do smokers bother you? hate it!
+ Do you drink? Do drinkers bother you? no drinking
+ Do you drug? Do druggers bother you? Apparently I'm a fascist because I don't like druggies ;P
+ What type(s) of music do you like? things that I think are pretty, but I have a strange idea of what's pretty
+ Which authors do you read, if any? lots of stuff... ha ha, I read mostly yaoi though
+ Which television shows are a must-watch for you, if any? none
+ If you could live anywhere in this world, where would it be and why? blah
+ What do you like on your pizza? stuffed crust, mushroom and onions
+ Describe your perfect weekend: watch anime, hang out with friends, get good food, play video games, sleep
+ Tell us your favorite scent? blah
+ Anything else you'd like to add? your mom
+ And then just leave us your contact information: ;P sore wa himitsu desu?

So I'm not in creative writing, but I still try to do the assignments... and I fail. ;P Anyway, here's what I wrote instead. It is short and made of fail.
Yep, dunno where the hell I was going with that. ;P Whatever. It was fun to write. ^^

"How am I supposed to feel about the things I've done?
I don't know if I should stay or turn around and run."

My brain is tired. How am I supposed to feel? I try not to think about it much, but it's like a really big crocodile under the surface of a lake. It's there and it has teeth.

Nearly every night I dream of ghosts, and fuck if I don't get the message. I don't need any more hints, subconscious. It's really annoying. And even when they're not ghosts, I've always got something to run from.

It kinda wears me down, when I'm alone with my thoughts. Like I am now ;P. I don't really know what to do with myself and the thoughts in my head. They're just this nebulous tangle of... things. Memories that I know I can't really trust and the ideas I've formed, based on those memories.

"Ask me whatever you like." What am I supposed to ask you? I don't really have anything to ask you, honestly. In fact, the thing I'm most curious about is whether or not stepdad cut his hand off when I was seven, because that's what I remember and it keeps cropping up in my writing. I really don't feel the need to ask you why you do the things you do. 

And I guess my subconscious is telling me that I'm running away, but you're not chasing after me either. You always do this, you know-- chase me and back off. I guess that's how your life is. You throw yourself into one thing for a while, then choose another thing entirely, and I was once along for the ride. I really don't know what to do, because now that I've shown my face once I'll be expected to keep showing it, but I don't want to be a part of the world I've had a glimpse of. I guess I'd forgotten how it was, or maybe it's just easier to see and understand now that I'm older, but either way I want no part of it. I was happy until I came to see you, but now I'm sad again and fuck it all, I want my meds even though they don't do shit.

I want to cry but I can't squeeze out enough tears.

And I only use my LJ to whine, too... grr. Sorry about that, LJ. You deserve better. *pats* I'll try to think less in the future.

Ha ha. And Charlie said today, "She's like you, but not as happy." I fooled him, I suppose. Bleargh.

I've spent most of my break playing video games and thinking. The past seems so clear now, but I also feel removed from it... I guess that's why I feel sad instead of angry? I'm hoping to explore my past through writing, which is what I usually do. ;P

But anyway...

Hmm, I'm not sure that I feel like typing this out... it's only been in my head so far.

Well, I'm not saying this to whine or to be an emo kid... I'm just puzzling it out. I'm not angry or horribly depressed. So let's take a look at my life.

I spent eight years with her. "And we shared a bed in which I could not sleep at all." I was closer to her than I've ever been to anyone, I guess because she was my mom and most of the time it was just us. We slept together (not in a sexual way, that's dumb) except when she had a boyfriend, and then I got the room down the hall or the couch. At night she held me close and we talked about random stuff and I sang her to sleep. She was either all over me or completely gone. When she was off in rehab or wherever she'd go, she'd just dump me off on someone else and I would be alone.

After I left her, I pushed everyone away. I guess because she had been so close to me, I didn't want to risk being hurt again. And since I used to tell her everything, all my thoughts and fears, I don't like anyone to know how I feel now...? It would also explain why I reject physical contact when all I want most of the time is to be held. It's why I'm so stupid... why I push everyone away, and then cry because I'm alone. Heh. 

"And at night the sun in the trees
Made the skyline look like crooked teeth in the mouth of a man who was devouring
Us both."

2007 has proven itself to be the longest year of my life. It has been the most painful, the one that hurt me most, but it has also given birth to some of my happiest memories-- the memories that you don't really remember, the ones that are just a blurry haze of sunshine when you try to think of them. 



And a happy New Year.

Umm, what? Anyway, I had an essay due today... blah. The week looks not-good, with special guests:

Poetry Essay on Thursday!
Spanish Conversation on Friday!
Aaaaaaaaand Stats test on Friday!

Same bat time, same bat channel.

But anyway. So I've been thinking, relationships are silly and we should all be friends. And I've been thinking, anyone I'd date would have to realllllly love me to put up with my inability to... uhh... interact with people who see me in a romantic light? Not that there are many of those around, but still. ;P Been thinking about my fear of romantic touch vs. my love of platonic touch, and ding ding ding! we have a winner. I need to be friends with someone and then date them, if ever it comes to that. And I'm OK with the fact that there's very little chance of me ever finding someone to put up with me, I think. At least right now I am. ;P And hecks to the something, maybe I don't even want a relationship. Right now I'm an asexual bisexual lol... anyway. So that's my thought for the week, I guess.

Ooh, and SS drabble because Racheldammit, I have to write! Something! Glarphkkkkkkkg.

Yep, so that's that stuff. Anyway, I need to study and do my essay for the poetry, blaaaaaaagh. So I'll do that. Or... make icons. Anyway. --;;